If balloon boy’s nutty dad nets the reality TV show he sought — and don’t bet against it — it won’t be any more pathetic than the new reality program taped just up the road from here.

It’s called “Mall Cops: Mall of America.”

Let that sink in for a moment. The name alone makes you want to stay away from sharp objects for awhile.

Watching the preview teasers, then a few minutes of the first installment, confirmed one’s fears that “Mall Cops” is indeed a show about cops ... who ... work ... in ... a ... mall.

These “walkie-talkies with feet,” as one critic cruelly labeled these young security tenders for shoe stores, are being packaged by the TLC channel as hip and happenin’ superheroes who help protect the nation’s largest mall against the forces of evil.

Or shoo away some kids yelling at each other, whichever comes first.

The TLC Web site describes the show as “an action-packed day in the life of the Mall of America, as seen through the eyes of men and women assigned to guard its stores and shoppers — the mall cops.”

“From protecting celebs to busting shoplifters, there is no job too big for mall cops.”

The guess here is that there are plenty of jobs too big for mall cops, but I’m not about to run down what they do. TLC is doing that.

In the cynical way these reality shows are contrived and produced, TLC is trashing them quite nicely, thank you.

Here’s the irony: In its supposed intent to erase stereotypes about mall security officers, a show like this does just the opposite.

That’s because reality shows don’t depict reality; they depict a reality molded and spun for maximum entertainment effect.

The “stars” of these shows become complicit dupes in exchange for 15 minutes of fame. They’re patsies, and in the case of these mall cops cast as soap opera characters, they’re unwittingly holding themselves up to even more ridicule than their jobs already attract.

An example: The show’s producers have given one of the cops, a hunky “rookie,” the nickname “Hollywood,” which will haunt him to the end of his days.

Just as dumb people arise from dimbulb forebears, so do reality shows.